Headquarters Playset of Horror!
by kookybloo
Summary: Three Halloween tales starring the Cheat Commandos.
1. Frankenfoxface

FRANKENFOXFACE   
  
There was an unusually festive atmosphere in the Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset, for the place was decorated with bundles of autumn leaves, hay bales, pumpkins, and dried corn stalks.  
  
"Enjoy your Halloween party, men. You've earned it," Gunhaver declared. "We'll kick things off with the chili cook-off."  
  
All the Commandos were sitting at a table with the chili they'd prepared, except for Foxface, who was the judge. First up was Reynold. Ignoring the ladle provided, Foxface dipped her paw into Reynold's chili and sampled it.  
  
"Oh, blecch!" she groaned. "It tastes like...cat food or something!"  
  
"Um, well, actually, it is cat food," Reynold conceded.  
  
"That's just nasty," Foxface grimaced, taking a big swig of water to wash the taste out. Up next was Silent Rip. His chili had big chunks of meat, so Foxface used the ladle provided, and in doing so, got chili on her snout.  
  
"This is really good, I can tell you used some oregano..." Foxface's voice trailed off when she heard the other commandos snickering. "What? What is it?" Silent Rip pointed to his own snout and Foxface took out a compact and saw the chili. Laughing, she stuck out her tongue really far and comically licked the chili off her snout, causing all the Commandos to laugh even harder. Now it was Fightgar's turn. Foxface tasted his chili and instantly her face lit up.  
  
"Wow! Fightgar, this is _fantastic_! There's something in there that I can't quite place. What's your secret ingredient?"  
  
"Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, now would it?" Fightgar countered.  
  
"Just whisper it," Foxface answered, leaning close. Fightgar did so.  
  
"GUNPOWDER?!" Foxface exclaimed.  
  
"Foxface!" whined Fightgar indignantly. Foxface suddenly began to inflate, as though someone were blowing up a balloon. With each inflation, Foxface gave out a little cry, as she got bigger and bigger. Her belt snapped from the tension as she continued to expand.  
  
"Quick! Someone get her to the juicing room!" Gunhaver ordered.  
  
The other Commandos stared at him in confusion.  
  
"Oh, um, never mind."  
  
By now Foxface had ballooned out to fill the entire room. She finally stopped expanding, and now a low rumbling was heard as she trembled with a force that shook the room.  
  
"Take cover! She's gonna BLOOOOOOWWW!" yelled Silent Rip as he dove under a table.  
  
And blow she did. When everything had settled, the Commandos crawled out of their hiding spots to survey the damage.  
  
"Where's Foxface?" Reynold was anxious to know.  
  
"There she is," Fightgar said nauseously. "An' there, an' there, an' there, an' over there too."  
  
Gunhaver took off his hat out of respect. "Whatever she did around here," he intoned solemnly, "she was the best at it." Just then the Blue Las-Alert went off and everyone (including Reynold this time) went to save the world from Blue Laser mowing his lawn or something equally evil.  
  
When they returned, all were tired and in a foul mood from what had happened.  
  
"Blue Laser sent us on another wild goose chase!" Gunhaver exclaimed, a statement that would have been painfully obvious to the other Commandos, but hey, the viewers at home had to know somehow.  
  
"Hey, what happened? The mess made by Foxface's explosion has been all cleaned up!" said Silent Rip.  
  
"IT WAS ALL WE HAD LEFT OF HER!" wailed Reynold.  
  
"Knock, knock, Cheat Commandos!" screeched an all-too-familiar voice. The door swung open, and there stood...  
  
"BLUE LASER!" they all chorused as one.  
  
"I have a surprise for you!" sneered Blue Laser. "Your precious Foxface lives once again...but not as you knew her!"  
  
In came Foxface, her fur a sickly green, crude stitches all over her body, her eyes empty and devoid of any emotion. She walked with mechanical movements, seemingly unaware of her fellow Commandos' horrified reaction to her.  
  
Then, she turned on them.  
  
"RRRAAUGH!"  
  
"Open fire! Fire at will! Just...fire!" Gunhaver ordered.  
  
But nobody would.  
  
"This isn't the Foxface we all knew and admired from afar! This is a creation of Blue Laser!" Gunhaver tried again. This time, it worked. Well, it worked in that he got the men to fire. However, the bullets only ricocheted off of her.  
  
"The bullets seem to have no effect!" said Gunhaver, with his penchant for stating the obvious. "Try the lasers!"  
  
This, too, proved fruitless.  
  
"Nothing is working!" yelled Gunhaver, ensuring that this year his nomination for the "Duh" award would not be overlooked. It was just then that Foxface decided to start breathing fire, setting the Headquarters Playset ablaze.  
  
"RREEEHHH!" she groaned in a deranged if not exactly frightening voice.  
  
"Everyone out of the building!" said Gunhaver too late, for everyone already was out of the building, except for Reynold, who was running around on fire.  
  
"Oooh! Ow! Hot, hot, hot!" he yelped. Gunhaver ignored him and met up with everyone outside.  
  
"How are we gonna put this out? Maybe if we dumped some water on it from above! Where's Crackotage?"  
  
"He left a long time ago. Said something about meeting an online girlfriend or something," Reinforcements informed Gunhaver. Just then Foxface lumbered outside, advancing toward them.  
  
"I know!" said Gunhaver. "We can throw her into the Deus Ex Machiner!"  
  
"Are you sure? That's awfully risky," Silent Rip hedged.  
  
"It's the only way," Gunhaver replied. "Grab her, Fightgar! We're throwing her into the Deus Ex Machiner!"  
  
Fightgar snatched her up and with a grunt tossed her into the Deus Ex Machiner. A few seconds later, she popped out, looking like her old self again.  
  
"Hey, everyone! Foxface is back to normal again!" Fightgar announced.   
  
"And so is the Headquarters Playset!" Reinforcements added. Sure enough, not only was it not on fire anymore, but it looked as though it had never been.  
  
"OH, CURSES!" yelled Blue Laser, who apparently had just been standing there or something the whole time. He simply walked off, grumbling to himself (for once, he had actually come alone, which is a good thing, because then We the People didn't have to listen to those dumb henchmen be idiots this time).  
  
"Did I miss something?" Foxface asked. When no one answered, she just shrugged and smiled.  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"Buy all our playsets and toys!" the announcers sang.  
  
The Cheat Commandos were walking around the Headquarters Playset on some other day.  
  
"We sure have had some weird stuff going on lately," Gunhaver remarked. "I'm just glad it's all over." As they walked into the next room they stopped cold. In a giant web in the corner sat two big, hairy, multi-eyed, fanged, drooling radioactive spiders. One of them was clearly Crackotage.  
  
"This is my new girlfriend, Deb," he said in a warped voice. "We met each other..."  
  
"...ON THE WEB!" they both finished. "Hoo hoo HA HA!"  
  
THE END


	2. The Spirit of Hotshot

THE SPIRIT OF HOTSHOT  
  
It was late. Reynold was in his apartment, sleeping fitfully. An unfamiliar voice called his name.  
  
"Reynold."  
  
"I didn't order a wake-up call!" the sort-of Cheat Commando protested.  
  
"Reynold."  
  
Reynold opened his eyes, and what he saw made him do a double-take and rub his glasses. (Yes, Reynold sleeps with his glasses on. What a weirdo, huh?)  
  
Above him hovered a monochromatic apparition, resembling an anthropomorphic Sneak more than anything else. It wore clothes like Gunhaver's, only considerably more dated, and it was apparent it was designed by a different animation studio altogether. One that no longer existed.  
  
"AAAAAHH!" screamed Reynold, falling out of bed in his panic.  
  
"Wait a minute, my grandson's name isn't Reynold. I knew I came to the wrong place," said the specter in his stalwart, newsreel-announcer voice. And with that, he dissipated, off to find his grandson. The real one this time.

Meanwhile, something similar was going on at the Blue Laser headquarters.  
  
"BLUE LASER!" barked a bizarre, echoing voice that sounded like Yoda with pneumonia, if Yoda had a British accent.  
  
Blue Laser growled at being awakened so rudely and squinted at whoever made the ruckus.  
  
"WHAT THE CRAP!" he screeched.  
  
"I'm the ghost of your grandfather, you twit!" answered the ghost. "Surely someone's told you of your father's father, the great Dr. Piranha?"  
  
"Weren't you the one that was a florist all your life and then when you got old you went senile and decided to be evil?"  
  
Dr. Piranha sighed. "Yes..."  
  
"All I remember is that your house always smelled terrible!"  
  
"Why you little…" the ghostly grandpa growled. "I'm beginning to have second thoughts about aiding you in crushing the Cheat Commandos!"  
  
"NO! WAIT!" yelled Blue Laser.  
  
"Oh, all right. You always had to have your way, you little brat. I'll return tomorrow night." And with that he faded away.  
  
The next morning Reynold was visibly shaken from his encounter the previous night.  
  
"Gunhaver, d-d-did HE come to see you last night?"  
  
"Who, Santa Claus?" Gunhaver smirked. "What's your deal, anyhow?"  
  
"I saw the g-g-ghost of your g-g-grandfather last night!"  
  
"When was the last time you actually got outside, Reynold?"  
  
"Ohh, I don't like outside!" Reynold whined. "Especially that weird blue thing up there with those fluffy white things in it. And that scary yellow thing that hurts your eyes. It's, like, _warm_ and stuff!"  
  
"And you wonder why we never take you on any missions…" Gunhaver grumbled, only to be interrupted by Reynold hollering.  
  
"LOOK! Gunhaver, there he is!" Reynold yelled, pointing his paw at what looked like nothing.  
  
"I don't see a thing, you head case…" Gunhaver started, but then Reynold switched off the light and Gunhaver saw his grandfather's ghost standing right in front of him.  
  
"GAH! It IS you!" yelped Gunhaver. "Grampa Hotshot!"  
  
"Just giving you a heads-up about tonight," Hotshot explained. "Dr. Piranha and I have a score to settle."  
  
"What do you want us to do?" Gunhaver wanted to know.  
  
"Umm…I don't know, really. Tradition has it that you have living onlookers for this sort of thing. Sort of a peanut gallery, I guess. Have yourself and your men ready by the big hill at the stroke of midnight tonight. Oh, could you write that down for me in case I forget? Plus, I still need to tell Dr. Piranha." Gunhaver did so. "Thanks. See you tonight, boy." And he was gone.It was 11:59 P.M. at the big hill. The Cheat Commandos had gathered on one side of the hill and the forces of Blue Laser on the other. Surprisingly, there was no battle between them. No one even spoke.  
  
12:00.  
  
Gunhaver broke the silence.  
  
"My grandpa can beat up your grandpa," he told Blue Laser.  
  
"Oh, you just HAD to ruin it!" Blue Laser griped. "For once I thought we could actually get along!"  
  
"When pigs fly, Blue Laser!" Gunhaver retorted.  
  
More silence.  
  
12:01.  
  
"Where are they?" Reynold asked.  
  
"He got lost, I just _know_ he got lost," Gunhaver groaned. "He _always_ got lost."  
  
Just then an unearthly, horrible moaning behind them caused the Cheat Commandos to turn around. Crackotage had a wild look in his eyes and was spewing green slime that shot out 10 feet ahead.  
  
"Crackotage, I told you that chicken had gone bad!" Gunhaver scolded. He turned back to the hill upon hearing two voices.  
  
"Are you sure this is the big hill?"  
  
"Of course it is! How many big hills do we have around here?"  
  
"Well...are you sure this is the _right_ big hill?"  
  
"Good grief! Why wouldn't it be?"  
  
"Well...I remember it being a lot bigger than this."  
  
"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF SAM HILL!"  
  
"_Sam_ Hill? I thought it was..."  
  
"JUST SHUT UP AND LET'S GET THIS OVERWITH!"  
  
And with that, the two old-timey apparitions faced each other on top of the hill and drew out...their banjos.  
  
"AHHH! Banjos! Me secret phobia!" shrieked Fightgar, fainting and landing on top of Crackotage, squishing him dead.  
  
Hotshot and Dr. Piranha began to play "Dueling Banjos". Not one of them missed a chord, their fingers were sure and true...aw, heck, it's a couple of banjos, how am I supposed to make this exciting? Anyway, a string on Dr. Piranha's banjo broke, and Hotshot was the winner.  
  
"OH, CURSES! OH...CURSES AGAIN! OH...MORE CURSES!" yelled the good Doctor (or not-so-good Doctor, or not-so-Doctor) as he disappeared in a burst of flames.  
  
"Well, it looks like my work here is done," said Hotshot, gradually fading away as he walked off into the moonlight.  
  
"Buy all our playsets and toys!" the announcers sang.  
  
The Cheat Commandos were heading back to the Headquarters Playset when they noticed someone had written on the side of the building in blood.  
  
IT'S A PILOT YOU NOW LACK  
FIGHTGAR, YOU SHOULD WATCH YOUR BACK  
  
THE END 


	3. Reynold's Revenge

REYNOLD'S REVENGE  
  
Reynold was bored out of his mind. He had organized, re-organized, alphabetized, rearranged and categorized just about everything in the Headquarters Playset. He was now two weeks ahead of schedule. He might as well just head home, but what was the point? Reynold sighed and slumped into his seat, waiting for the rest of the Commandos to come back from their mission. They had been gone an awfully long time now, what was the holdup? _Maybe they're all dead,_ thought Reynold, a small grin of satisfaction creeping across his face. _Yeah, that would be nice. That'll teach them not to bring me along._  
  
Wait a minute.  
  
_Foxface!_  
  
Reynold's face fell.  
  
_Well, it's not like I ever had a chance with her anyway._  
  
The grin returned.  
  
_And now no one can have her._  
  
Just then, the Cheat Commandos came crashing in, back from their mission.  
  
Drat. They weren't dead.  
  
Reynold decided to avoid them, as he clearly was in no mood for socializing.  
  
"Reynold!"  
  
Reynold hadn't noticed Gunhaver come up to him, so he was visibly (and audibly) startled.  
  
"I've just noticed something about the place."  
  
About time.  
  
"Yes?" Reynold asked hopefully.  
  
"The floor's filthy. Get on it," Gunhaver replied, handing him a mop and a bucket.  
  
Reynold cursed inwardly as he sloshed the mop across the floor. He gazed out the window, a storm was brewing, and the sky was as murky as the bucket's water had become.  
  
"No time for lollygagging, Reynold! I wanna see my face in this floor!" Gunhaver barked.  
  
Reynold let out a low growl as soon as Gunhaver was out of earshot. At last, he had finally finished doing the floor, and yes, you really could see your face in it. He leaned against the wall, giving his aching body a rest.  
  
"Reynold!"  
  
What now?  
  
"By the door you'll find a drum of radioactive waste we confiscated from Blue Laser. Carry it outside and we'll bury it later."  
  
"But sir, there's a storm outside!" Reynold protested.  
  
"Are you afraid of a little water? Get out there!"  
  
Reynold struggled to carry the drum, it was as big as he was. He stumbled from its weight and fell, his burden landing on top of him, popping open and spilling its contents all over his body. Lightning struck the metal drum, electrocuting Reynold. His vision blurred and his body tingled, but oddly enough, instead of feeling weak, he felt himself getting stronger...MUCH stronger. He lifted an arm, only to discover it was an enormous membrane wing, still covered in the typical Cheat spots. He got to his feet, to find he was nearly as big as the Headquarters Playset itself.  
  
"Holy cats, what's happened to me?" he squawked. Then it dawned on him. This was his chance! He would show them. He would show them all.  
  
Reynold lifted himself several yards into the air, then swooped down and crashed through the wall of the building as though it were cardboard. As a reflex, everyone drew out their weapons.  
  
"ROAR!" said Reynold, loudly enough, but not in the least bit frighteningly.   
  
All stood agape.  
  
"Reynold?" Foxface finally said.  
  
Once everyone realized it was Reynold, they started laughing hysterically. _This is unbelievable!_ Reynold thought. _I_ still _don't have their fear, or respect, or...whatever the heck it is that I wanted in the first place._ Their laughter echoed madly in his head, one laugh easily heard above all the rest...one hideous, grating, moronic laugh...  
  
Reynold bent down and snatched up Crackotage in his beak, making a noisy, graphic show of chomping on him with his mouth open. Everyone fled in horror and disgust.  
  
It was then that Blue Laser, with their impeccable timing, decided to attack the Headquarters. However, all it took was one look at Reynold and they turned tail and ran away.  
  
"Look at that! I singlehandedly defeated Blue Laser without doing ANYTHING! Howd'ya like THEM apples?" crowed Reynold, obviously on some kind of power trip.  
  
Gunhaver crawled out from under the table. "Um...yeah...good work...um, you can come on any missions you want...and...in fact, we're relocating you...to some...place...where you can...have more room...instead of your crappy apartment...and...noteatusandstuff." And he dove right back under the table.  
  
"Buy all our playsets and toys!" the announcers sang.  
  
Reynold was seated at a fancy restaurant.  
  
"I just don't know if it can work between us," he said. "I'm a Pteracheat, and you're...some kind of bird-reptile..."  
  
"Oh, pshaw!" answered Mrs. Commanderson, leaning forward in her red sequined dress. "It's what's on the inside that counts."  
  
"Speaking of on the inside..." Reynold began, but then belched out a pair of headphones. The two simply laughed.  
  
THE END


End file.
